Every successful leader knows how powerful effective communication is. However, knowing and doing often reside on opposite ends of the communication spectrum.
What must you do to improve your effectiveness in your most difficult, uncomfortable and sometimes emotionally charged conversations?
How do you approach those situations — asking for the career opportunity that perfectly fits your capabilities; getting the raise that you have earned after consistently excellent performance; addressing poor performance; saying “no” to someone when you know he or she will not receive it well; responding to disrespectful behavior in a timely manner; or asking for support from others.
How will you think and respond differently when those butterflies threaten to shut you down, convincing you that it is better to “just let it go.” Learning how to address, navigate and master effective communications directly impacts your wellness, productivity, job satisfaction and your organization’s profitability.
Effective communication is shaped by several key factors, three of which I will discuss in detail: perspective, planning and performance.
Perspective – How do you view yourself?
Be honest. When faced with the need for an uncomfortable conversation, how do you see yourself? What are you thinking and feeling? Before you can navigate communications hurdles, you must assess the only person you can control during the communication – YOU! It is one thing to plan but another to be so consumed with what you have no control over that it inhibits your effectiveness.
Have you ever mapped a complete conversation in your mind before even speaking a word? Some years ago, I worked with an executive who was known for being quite direct, “shutting down” those who did not agree with his point of view. In preparation for an early morning meeting with him, I scripted the entire conversation during my one-hour commute. By the time I swerved into the parking lot, I was hotter than smoldering coals! I was ready. When he said this, I was going to respond with that. He would NOT make me his next victim. I might as well had dressed in combat gear that morning because I saw myself as the warrior woman going into that meeting. Well, armed with more verbal gear than you can imagine, I strolled into that conversation ready to go to battle. My heart rate was elevated. I am sure my blood pressure was up. I could barely see straight because of that critical conversation in the car between me and – well, myself. Much to my surprise, the conversation went quickly and smoothly. Afterward, I thought, “What a waste of good fire power!” How could I have allowed myself to get so caught up in my preconceived notions about I thought how he was going to show up that I showed up as the person who is the least effective in critical situations – angry LaFern?
Thank goodness he was a more responsible and clearer thinking leader that morning. He taught me a powerful lesson: whether it is creating mental stories, our past experiences with others or ourselves, or fear, be honest about the overwhelming emotion and determine whether it will serve me or sink me. Had the conversation occurred as I had scripted it that morning, my professional career could have taken a completely different turn.
Identify your mental hurdles. Knowing your communication style, what makes it effective and the pitfalls that can cause you to stumble.
Planning – What is your conversation roadmap?
Elite athletes follow a plan that conditions them mentally and physically. They follow and practice the plan so they are prepared for the real thing. Similarly, the most effective communicators have a roadmap. That does not mean every detail needs to be scripted or will go as planned. It means you have a framework that keeps you focused on the goal. When you feel your nerves going into overdrive or your emotions starting to rise, go back to the plan to stay on track. These five actions will help you effectively navigate those uncomfortable conversations with more ease:
- Identify the real problem – Tell the whole truth about what is working and what is not. Clarify this for yourself before engaging anyone else;
- Describe the problem – Paint the picture with words. Help the other person see the full impact of his or her decisions, behaviors, action/inaction, language and productivity (e.g. “Your inaccurate reporting resulted in…” vs. “You caused…”);
- Express yourself clearly without minimizing or exaggerating (e.g. Use “I” phrases vs. “you” phrases – “I am disappointed” versus “You disappointed me”);
- Ask for the other person’s perspective and for a reasonable change (i.e. What he/she is willing and able to do and when); and
- List and talk about the positive outcomes if all parties do what was discussed. Be specific about the results expected if all commitments are kept.
Performance – What actions will you consistently take to get the results you desire?
Tweaking lifelong practices, eliminating bad habits and adopting new behaviors can be challenging. As a leader, what you actually DO speaks louder than any advice you can give to others. World-class athletes do not just show up for the competition; they prepare for it. So, how do you want others to see you? What experiences do you create for them through your performance?
What is one area, when addressed, could improve your effectiveness during uncomfortable conversations?
What support do you need to help you make the change or hone the skill?
What will be different about your communications outcomes when you make that change?
Your thoughts shape your words and influence your behaviors. Everything about your leadership is shaped by how you engage in the most challenging and uncomfortable situations. Now, go ahead and get comfortable working through your discomfort. THAT is how you, the leader, will master effective communication and help others do the same.